Classic and Creative Counseling and Psychotherapy in San Francisco and San Mateo, California
 

Carol Jaron, Marriage & Family Therapist
Carol Jaron
MS, MFT, CHT

 Carol Jaron
Marriage & Family Therapist &
Practitioner of Clinical Hypnosis
~ Professional ~ Integrative ~ Intuitive ~

Therapy for Adults / Adolescents / Families
Rapid Trauma Resolution
Anxiety, Self Image, Loss
Adult Attention Deficit Disorder
Food & Substance Abuse Issues
Personal & Professional Relationships

 

When Love Feels Like Depression: The Red Hots With The Blues

Are you in a relationship where you are falling for someone and yet feeling so vulnerable that you could go from overjoyed to hurt or disappointed as soon as things stop going the way you want?

This is not crazy, you are not necessarily in a classic depression, and things can really, really work out, and you might be very well able to sleep better soon...provided you become open to there being many options to the way you are viewing the situation with your love interest.

First to point out though that if you are suffering from severe sadness, care about nothing you used to be excited about, cannot function for days or are choosing to isolate yourself from everything, there may be a need to check with a psychotherapist or doctor who both really knows about how to diagnose clinical depression and treat it in the way that feels best to you!

Consider these five potential scenarios:

    1. If you are just getting to know someone, even if you have talked for hours your first time out or been so sure that you felt the same way about each other, you don't really find out how this person reacts to pressure and stresses of life right away . If the person suddenly seems to be less available you might want to give it a little time, during which you can tell yourself that it is okay not to have to know everything that is going on yet. This might feel totally maddening for you, however it can teach you to stop using predictive negative thinking which leads to tougher feelings to get through. At the same time, forgive yourself for thoughts about your crush or romance that might be creating difficult emotions as they are just a part of your mind floating through your body and can be noticed as reminders to give yourself understanding. Judgement does nothing to help; feel free keep from listening to it's little put-downs.

    2. You may have misread the guy or girl of your interest. I have seen many of you jump to conclusions of what you want to happen as if it definitely is. This can confuse you both, as well as set the stage for worries way too soon. Wait and see if the other really is interested in you in a similar way you are, before envisioning yourselves together in a field of flowers cuddling under the stars! If eventually you realize that the person you had your eye on wants more of a buddy thing or had an ulterior motive like making someone else jealous, it can sting a bit, but I want to emphasize that this is far better to find out sooner than later when you have fallen much more deeply. Plus, this frees you up to be open to someone that really does want to be with you.

    3. Guys and girls are wired differently, so depending of which gender your heart is focused on you need to know that you, he or she feels close to another in specific ways , according to the way that the male or female nervous system operates in connecting, and whether they are building a connection with a same sex or opposite sex. When you couple that with how each individual also has their own subset of how they get really close to someone from the way they were raised or what influenced them most in their early years, you have a puzzle, although a fun one to figure out.

    If you ever wanted to talk to me more about this aspect, or get clearer on whatever is stuck for you I can offer what you want to know in much greater detail. I welcome your coming in for an informative, supportive and accomplishment oriented session!

    4. Developing relationships through the use of technology ONLY is a mere illusion.

    It is cool and great fun to be bouncing messages and photos back and forth yet trust me, this is not the basis for something you want to have a little more depth with or have an authentic connection around. The addictive use of this also paves the way for all kinds of misunderstandings and things to hook into repeated disturbing thoughts about.

    Many use devices to hide behind and get out of clearly answering questions or present themselves in a phony way in order to manipulate the recipient.

    Talk in person more of the time, on the phone some of the time, and via texting and messaging a bit of the time. If you are having doubts about the relationship or need real reassurance, let the other know via a message that you are wanting to talk to them later and then tell them your concerns in person.

    Use the devices to enhance, rather than create and sustain your relationship.

    I know you hate hearing this but lose the overuse of phones and computers people, if you want the best results in the long run. Look forward to little touch-ins here and there when you can't see each other for longer periods and use it that way instead!

    Which leads me to the one most important area of clearing up uncertainty in any relationship...

    5. Communicate, communicate, communicate!!!

If you hold things in out of fear that the person will leave you or lie to you or even say something you do not want to hear about yourself, it solves nothing.

On the other hand, when you express yourself clearly and kindly, yet with honesty about fear, anger or sadness coming up for you, it has a much greater chance of feeling better for you than hiding from it and hoping it will go away or that he or she will change.

If you hear something that translates to your experiencing some heavy sadness or rejection, then again, you are hearing it now instead of deluding yourself that you are imagining something is wrong. Give yourself time to process your reactions, it can truly get lighter if you attend to your heart.

Trust your intuition, if you really feel something is up, bounce it off of the other person, and get it out in the open so you can both look at it. Yet do this gently as attacking, accusations or attempts to control the others reactions only blows up or shuts the whole thing down in that moment, creating an even longer wait-time until you know what is really happening.

If the relationship needs to be over, or was non-existent in the first place, then you can take some time to care for yourself and get some love from supportive friends or even non-judgmental family members. Sometimes your parents or other relatives understand what is going on a lot better than you think. I can also be there for you if you need to sort through the pain and move towards soothing with someone in the room to guide you back to balance.

If everything is talked out and gets resolved with your liked or loved one, then it is more likely than not that you have become even stronger in your connection and your relationship can continue to grow, or you might both be actually okay with parting ways and seeing others at some point. After all, you have plenty of time in your life to decide who you want to end up with in a long term commitment, if you really desire that. In either case,

Golden-ly love yourselves!
 

 

            Carol Jaron, MS, MFT, CHT
            Offices in San Francisco & San Mateo
            (650) 464-4387
            (415) 541-5004
           
      caroljtherapist@yahoo.com

The information on this web site is not intended to be comprehensive or a substitute for one on one care by a mental health professional, such as myself. If I can be of assistance to you or your family, I encourage you to contact me. PLEASE NOTE: If you have a life threatening emergency, please call 911 or your local emergency number immediately.

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