What happens when the initial rush of a relationship is over? For many couples it might mean less of that first ultra excitement of falling in love,
yet the connection can deepen and the ongoing growing together creates a solidifying bond, that is, if the true connection can be sustained past a certain point.
Often, however, some men will appear to lose interest in their partner, who is mystified at how this happened if he was so focused on the relationship in the early
stages. This may not mean he cannot or no longer loves his significant, but often this partner can be very hurt and disappointed plus feel a sense of "disconnect" coming from him.
There are certain specifics that might apply more to women when they may appear to pull away from the relationship, but this article is regarding more male behaviors.
Here are six simple ways
towards understanding that may take some of the burden off of those who are carrying worry and sadness, although it is always a
great idea to get some help exploring challenging feelings as well. (What do you understand about yourself?)
1) Men with ADD or Focus type issues will focus very strongly on a new person in their lives because it is stimulating and makes
them feel a flow of energy. It brings a temporary relief to the anxiety about what they have trouble concentrating on extensively in their lives.
2) For a man in this kind of situation, when new love stops stimulating this
extra rush of clarity in focus or feelings in it means an internal chemical change is taking place, rather than that the love is not there any longer. This
shift translates into a picture of his turning focus to other things, sometimes for hours on end or days where he is attempting in a way to recreate that
same rush that made him feel so consistent in his flow.
3) He does not know this is happening, nor is it conscious or purposeful on his part.
4) When it is presented to him from the partner as feeling he has disconnected, he is often confused and may feel guilty or even angry as the
perception is that he is just going along each day sometimes struggling to feel/do his best to stick to tasks and communicating.
5) Mundane, everyday tasks or overwhelming clutter feel so difficult to him that he dreads them, finding it almost painful to do certain things.
6) Once he can find ways to understand and manage his struggles to remain focused he can learn to understand the person's feelings that he is in a relationship with, and the two can work together towards
greater ease in ability to focus on the partner more consistently again. In turn, the partner can begin to trust that he is present in
many ways, supporting him in this process, and the pair can once again feel more mutual emotional satisfaction.
Of course, it takes both people involved to be willing to further the relationship and continually enhance communication, but most of all it takes believing in
each other and having faith in yourselves. When you love and nurture yourself ongoingly, you feel cared for already, so your partner's loving is the
extra bonus. In my work with couples and individuals, I find this to be true no matter what kind of relationship issues come up.
Before we close for now, I want to remind you that I am here to assist you with
counseling and support, or in future writings on more couples and individual matters.
Remember to treat yourselves like gold!
Carol Jaron, MFT